Avoid Five Phrases
Here are five parenting phrases that can undermine a child’s motivation, along with detailed explanations of why they can be harmful and how they impact a child’s mindset:
“You’re not good at this, so why bother trying?”
- Impact: This phrase directly attacks a child’s self-efficacy, the belief in their ability to succeed. It implies that their efforts are futile due to a lack of natural talent, discouraging persistence and fostering a fixed mindset. Children may internalize this as a permanent limitation, reducing their willingness to take on challenges or try new things.
- Why It Kills Motivation: By focusing on innate ability rather than effort, this phrase shuts down the growth mindset, which emphasizes improvement through practice. It can make children feel inadequate and lead to avoidance of activities where they fear failure.
- Example: A child struggling with math might hear this and decide to give up entirely, believing they’ll never improve, even if they could with practice or support.
- Alternative Approach: Instead, say, “This seems tough, but let’s work on it together. Practice can make a big difference!” This encourages effort and collaboration.
“Just let me do it for you; you’re too slow.”
- Impact: This phrase undermines a child’s sense of autonomy and competence. It suggests that their efforts are inefficient or inadequate, which can erode confidence and make them dependent on others to solve problems. Over time, they may stop trying because they believe they can’t meet expectations.
- Why It Kills Motivation: Children thrive on a sense of mastery and independence. When parents take over tasks, it signals that the child isn’t capable, reducing their intrinsic motivation to tackle challenges. It can also create learned helplessness, where they avoid effort because they expect someone else to step in.
- Example: If a child is struggling to tie their shoes and hears this, they might stop practicing, feeling their efforts are pointless.
- Alternative Approach: Try, “Take your time, I know you can figure this out. I’m here if you need a tip!” This supports their effort while fostering independence.
“Why can’t you be more like your brother ?”
- Impact: Comparisons to others can make a child feel inferior and devalued for who they are. This phrase shifts focus from their individual progress to an unattainable standard, leading to resentment, jealousy, or a sense of failure. It can also damage relationships with siblings or peers.
- Why It Kills Motivation: Motivation often stems from feeling valued for one’s unique strengths. Comparisons create a sense of inadequacy, making children less likely to try because they feel they’ll never measure up. It can also foster extrinsic motivation (pleasing others) rather than intrinsic motivation (personal growth).
- Example: A child struggling with reading might hear this about a high-achieving sibling and feel discouraged, believing they’ll never be “good enough.”
- Alternative Approach: Say, “I see how hard you’re working on this, and I’m proud of your progress!” This reinforces their individual effort and worth.
“You always mess things up.”
- Impact: Labeling a child as a failure or incompetent through absolute terms like “always” creates a negative self-image. It generalizes mistakes into a character flaw, making children feel hopeless about improving. This can lead to anxiety, perfectionism, or giving up entirely.
- Why It Kills Motivation: Mistakes are a natural part of learning, but this phrase makes them feel catastrophic. It discourages risk-taking and experimentation, as children fear confirming the negative label. They may avoid challenges to protect their self-esteem.
- Example: A child who spills paint during an art project might hear this and decide to avoid creative activities, fearing they’ll only “mess up” again.
- Alternative Approach: Try, “Mistakes happen! Let’s clean this up and see what we can do next time.” This normalizes errors and encourages problem-solving.
“You don’t need to try so hard; it’s not that important.”
- Impact: This phrase dismisses a child’s effort and passion, implying that their goals or interests are trivial. It can make them feel their hard work is pointless, reducing their drive to pursue things they care about. It also undermines their ability to prioritize what matters to them.
- Why It Kills Motivation: Intrinsic motivation thrives when children feel their efforts align with their interests or values. Dismissing their hard work can make them question the value of dedication, leading to apathy or disengagement.
- Example: A child practicing for a school play might hear this and lose enthusiasm, feeling their effort isn’t respected or worthwhile.
- Alternative Approach: Say, “I love how much effort you’re putting into this! It’s great to see your passion.” This validates their dedication and encourages them to keep going.
Conclusion
These phrases often stem from frustration or a desire to help but can inadvertently harm a child’s motivation by targeting their self-esteem, autonomy, or sense of progress. Positive, effort-focused language that emphasizes growth, support, and individual value fosters resilience and a love for learning. Parents can reframe these phrases to build confidence and encourage persistence, helping children develop a healthy, motivated mindset.